Blog Archives

Evaluate Your Influences

7/24/2018

Motivational speaker Bev Gilliard once said, “You are the average of the people you spend the most time with, it is okay to tell some people they cannot go with you on your journey and then change your number.” You will find that these words will definitely ring true as you move closer towards your success.

Therefore, if you want to be successful, spend more time with like minded people who you feel are successful or striving for the success you desire for yourself. Preferably, join a community where you can learn and grow professionally. A community of people who have already achieved what you dream to accomplish, and not those who are sitting around complaining but doing nothing to move forward.

Your vision should be propelled — not hindered — by people around you that are weighing you down with negativity, "you can't or I can't" attitude, or just gossiping and being an energy drainer. Also, don’t let others’ comments get in the way of what you want to accomplish. There will always be nay Sayers comparing themselves to you, hindering your drive for success and growth, or pointing out all the mountains you have to climb to get to the top but not offering you any solutions how to make the climb. Get rid of them, and instead of spending your time with people and things that hold you back, fire them and don’t look back. Up-level your network by seeking out mentors, coaches, and peers who support your vision and goals.

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Being Time Wise

7/24/2018

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Be cognizant of how you spend your time.

It is important to be mindful how you spend each day. When you think of budgeting, money isn’t the only resource that should come to mind. In personal finance, time is every bit as important as money, but only you can place an accurate value on it. The financial equivalent of an hour of your time is determined by how wisely you spend it – the more you plan your time and allocate it to productive activities, the more it’s worth. So if you’re looking to squeeze more value out of each hour in your day, try some of these tips to keep you aware of the way you spend your time – and help you spend your time wisely.

Think of your days in terms of minutes. There are 1,440 minutes in a day — one-third of which you spend sleeping. After that, you’re left with about 960 minutes. If you commute to work for an hour each way, then you lose another 120 minutes. Take away the time spent on an 8-hour work shift, and you’re left with only about 360 minutes. Oh, and don’t forget mealtimes. Now you’re left with only 180 minutes of free time per day. That translates to just 3 hours. So, how are you spending those precious hours?

Budget Your Time Wisely
Based on your daily goals and needs, block out your day and allocate time to each goal or need on your lists. Don’t think too hard about it; just use an online calendar or planner and write down your goals and needs next to the appropriate time markers. The process should be short and satisfying, providing you with a way to hold yourself accountable for your time while helping you manage it in an efficient and effective way. Once you’ve developed your time budget, or schedule, stick to it as much as possible. If you’re employed by someone else, your efficiency could be recognized for a promotion; if you’re self-employed, you’ll literally give yourself more time in which to make money. Either way, you can’t lose.

Also, Your mindset will shift once you realize the instrumental value of your own time. Do not spend endless hours watching television or on social media, as doing so was a real drain your time. Simple changes like leveraging technology to automate tasks and using a productivity planner will completely transformed the way you handle your daily obligations.

Stop Procrastinating
Try to stay focused on what you need to do. Procrastination is a dangerous waste of time and, subsequently, money. Don’t leave your email open all day – just check it every hour or two and respond to messages right away. You should also avoid checking social networking sites, reading the news online, and anything else that causes a chain reaction of unproductive clicking.

Don’t Lose Sight of Your Own Needs
It’s impossible to be 100% efficient, so give yourself a break every once in a while. You’re a person with individual needs, and no one knows what those needs are better than you do. Make a list of what you need on a daily basis, such as a lunch break, a few shorter breaks throughout the day, a cup of tea, a little music, or a few minutes to chat with coworkers or friends. Now, go through the same process of prioritizing them and deciding what you need to do throughout the day to keep you functioning at a high yet comfortable level.

Before going to bed, always plan out the next day in writing. You can even plan for the next few months. If you don’t leverage your time, growing and scaling a business will be an impossible feat. If you don’t give it all away, you’ll find that you actually do have enough time in the day.

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Suicide Warning Signs

7/24/2018

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Suicide.org offers these Suicide Warning Signs:

Appearing depressed or sad most of the time.
(Untreated depression is the number one cause for suicide.)
Talking or writing about death or suicide.
Withdrawing from family and friends.
Feeling hopeless.
Feeling helpless.
Feeling strong anger or rage.
Feeling trapped — like there is no way out of a situation.
Experiencing dramatic mood changes.
Abusing drugs or alcohol.
Exhibiting a change in personality.
Acting impulsively.
Losing interest in most activities.
Experiencing a change in sleeping habits.
Experiencing a change in eating habits.
Losing interest in most activities.
Performing poorly at work or in school.
Giving away prized possessions.
Writing a will.
Feeling excessive guilt or shame.
Acting recklessly.

It should be noted that some people who die by suicide do not show any suicide warning signs.

But about 75 percent of those who die by suicide do exhibit some suicide warning signs, so we need to be aware of what the suicide warning signs are and try to spot them in people. If we do see someone exhibiting suicide warning signs, we need to do everything that we can to help them.

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Suicide Prevention

7/24/2018

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Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States. It accounts for the loss of more than 38,000 American lives each year, more than DOUBLE the number of lives lost to homicide. We cannot keep quiet on this issue; Our community has felt the impact and we need to be aware of prevention and how to deal with the losses we have been forced to suffer. We must bring light into the corners of this heartbreaking fact.

Those that are left behind do not always get the help they need due to the stigma that they feel still surrounds suicide. Many blame themselves.

The Mayo Clinic offers this information to those left to deal with the incredible loss:

Brace for powerful emotions

A loved one’s suicide can trigger intense emotions. For example:

Shock. Disbelief and emotional numbness might set in. You might think that your loved one’s suicide couldn’t possibly be real.

Anger. You might be angry with your loved one for abandoning you or leaving you with a legacy of grief — or angry with yourself or others for missing clues about suicidal intentions.

Guilt. You might replay “what if” and “if only” scenarios in your mind, blaming yourself for your loved one’s death.

Despair. You might be gripped by sadness, loneliness or helplessness. You might have a physical collapse or even consider suicide yourself.

You might continue to experience intense reactions during the weeks and months after your loved one’s suicide — including nightmares, flashbacks, difficulty concentrating, social withdrawal and loss of interest in usual activities — especially if you witnessed or discovered the suicide.

For more information on suicide or for training, please visit: National Violence Prevention at www.1nvp.org

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Healthy Coping Strategies

7/24/2018

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The aftermath of a loved one’s suicide can be physically and emotionally exhausting. As you work through your grief, be careful to protect your own well-being.

Keep in touch. Reach out to loved ones, friends and spiritual leaders for comfort, understanding and healing. Surround yourself with people who are willing to listen when you need to talk, as well as those who’ll simply offer a shoulder to lean on when you’d rather be silent.

Grieve in your own way. Do what’s right for you, not necessarily someone else. If you find it too painful to visit your loved one’s grave site or share the details of your loved one’s death, wait until you’re ready.

Be prepared for painful reminders. Anniversaries, holidays and other special occasions can be painful reminders of your loved one’s suicide. Don’t chide yourself for being sad or mournful. Instead, consider changing or suspending family traditions that are too painful to continue.

Don’t rush yourself. Losing someone to suicide is a tremendous blow, and healing must occur at its own pace. Don’t be hurried by anyone else’s expectations that it’s been “long enough.”

Expect setbacks. Some days will be better than others, even years after the suicide — and that’s OK. Healing doesn’t often happen in a straight line.

Consider a support group for families affected by suicide. Sharing your story with others who are experiencing the same type of grief might help you find a sense of purpose or strength.

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Seeing Just the "Hope" In Your Hopelessness

7/24/2018

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Many times we find our self so broken after a tragic event. It becomes difficult for us to cope, or to find ourselves out the hopelessness of our situation. These are times when we must learn to refocus. Meaning, change the way we are looking at the things that are affecting our lives and take an inventory of what needs to stay, and what needs to go.

Even more important, we have to give ourselves some permissions:

Permission to take some time out to just pray and commune with God, to find peace and hope in hopelessness.
Permission to take the steps necessary to move towards the life that fills you with joy
Permission to love yourself unconditionally and ask for help when you need it. It will be hard to ask for help, but do it anyway..
Permission to rid ourselves of any excess baggage in our life that is weighing us down, whether that baggage is a family member, friend, job, a bill, whatever, it is, get rid of it.
Permission to lose some phone numbers of people who only call when they need something, and are very draining, lose their number
Permission to tell people holding us back that they cannot go with us any further on our journey. Listen to the voice that comes from your heart. That voice knows you. That voice will guide you.
Permission to do something good for yourself daily, learn something new, go back to school, do something for someone else, etc.
Permission to be happy despite what life and others are saying. Give your time, talent, and treasure to those who need your gifts. Turn your attention to someone else and you’ll create hope for them and for you.
Permission to take some quiet time for self reflection and self-care when the noise of life get too loud in your head.
Permission to do something nice for yourself - take a mini vacation, go to a movie, treat yourself to dinner, do something you always wanted to do, just enjoy life.
Permission to thank yourself - look in the mirror and thank yourself for being good enough to yourself, to take back your life.
Permission to keep an open heart and be ready for hope to surprise you. Do not live in fear. Instead, choose to live with hope. Fear and worry will always come creeping in your door, but do not open the door and give then a seat in your life.

Finally, there is great benefit in hoping. When you feel broken, that is because you have lost hope. However, if you can see the hope in what you see as a hopeless situation, hope will let you redefine your life and with your new found hope you will gain health, strength. and see a new meaning to life. However, you have to apply self-care. Let hope heal you. Let hope change you and let hope let you change the world.

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Warning Signs of Domestic Violence

7/23/2018

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It’s not always easy to tell at the beginning of a relationship if it will become abusive.

Domestic violence doesn’t look the same in every relationship because every relationship is different. But one thing most abusive relationships have in common is that the abusive partner does many different kinds of things to have more power and control over their partner. Some of the signs of an abusive relationship include a partner who:

Tells you that you can never do anything right
Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away
Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members
Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs
Controls every penny spent in the household
Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses
Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you
Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do
Prevents you from making your own decisions
Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children
Prevents you from working or attending school
Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets
Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons
Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with
Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol

You may be experiencing physical abuse if your partner has done or repeatedly does any of the following tactics of abuse:

Pulling your hair, punching, slapping, kicking, biting or choking you
Forbidding you from eating or sleeping
Hurting you with weapons
Preventing you from calling the police or seeking medical attention
Harming your children
Abandoning you in unfamiliar places
Driving recklessly or dangerously when you are in the car with them
Forcing you to use drugs or alcohol (especially if you’ve had a substance abuse problem in the past)

You may be in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship if you partner exerts control through:

Calling you names, insulting you or continually criticizing you
Refusing to trust you and acting jealous or possessive
Trying to isolate you from family or friends
Monitoring where you go, who you call and who you spend time with
Demanding to know where you are every minute
Trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving
Using weapons to threaten to hurt you
Punishing you by withholding affection
Threatening to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets
Damaging your property when they’re angry (throwing objects, punching walls, kicking doors, etc.)
Humiliating you in any way
Blaming you for the abuse
Gaslighting
Accusing you of cheating and being often jealous of your outside relationships
Serially cheating on you and then blaming you for his or her behavior
Cheating on you intentionally to hurt you and then threatening to cheat again
Cheating to prove that they are more desired, worthy, etc. than you are
Attempting to control your appearance: what you wear, how much/little makeup you wear, etc.
Telling you that you will never find anyone better, or that you are lucky to be with a person like them

Sexually abusive methods of retaining power and control include an abusive partner:

Forcing you to dress in a sexual way
Insulting you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names
Forcing or manipulating you into to having sex or performing sexual acts
Holding you down during sex
Demanding sex when you’re sick, tired or after hurting you
Hurting you with weapons or objects during sex
Involving other people in sexual activities with you against your will
Ignoring your feelings regarding sex
Forcing you to watch pornography
Purposefully trying to pass on a sexually transmitted disease to you

Sexual coercion
Sexual coercion lies on the ‘continuum’ of sexually aggressive behavior. It can vary from being egged on and persuaded, to being forced to have contact. It can be verbal and emotional, in the form of statements that make you feel pressure, guilt, or shame. You can also be made to feel forced through more subtle actions. For example, an abusive partner:

Making you feel like you owe them — ex. Because you’re in a relationship, because you’ve had sex before, because they spent money on you or bought you a gift
Giving you drugs and alcohol to “loosen up” your inhibitions
Playing on the fact that you’re in a relationship, saying things such as: “Sex is the way to prove your love for me,” “If I don’t get sex from you I’ll get it somewhere else”
Reacting negatively with sadness, anger or resentment if you say no or don’t immediately agree to something
Continuing to pressure you after you say no
Making you feel threatened or afraid of what might happen if you say no
Trying to normalize their sexual expectations: ex. “I need it, I’m a man”

Even if your partner isn’t forcing you to do sexual acts against your will, being made to feel obligated is coercion in itself. Dating someone, being in a relationship, or being married never means that you owe your partner intimacy of any kind.

Reproductive coercion is a form of power and control where one partner strips the other of the ability to control their own reproductive system. It is sometimes difficult to identify this coercion because other forms of abuse are often occurring simultaneously.
Reproductive coercion can be exerted in many ways:

Refusing to use a condom or other type of birth control
Breaking or removing a condom during intercourse
Lying about their methods of birth control (ex. lying about having a vasectomy, lying about being on the pill)
Refusing to “pull out” if that is the agreed upon method of birth control
Forcing you to not use any birth control (ex. the pill, condom, shot, ring, etc.)
Removing birth control methods (ex. rings, IUDs, contraceptive patches)
Sabotaging birth control methods (ex. poking holes in condoms, tampering with pills or flushing them down the toilet)
Withholding finances needed to purchase birth control
Monitoring your menstrual cycles
Forcing pregnancy and not supporting your decision about when or if you want to have a child
Forcing you to get an abortion, or preventing you from getting one
Threatening you or acting violent if you don’t comply with their wishes to either end or continue a pregnancy
Continually keeping you pregnant (getting you pregnant again shortly after you give birth)

Reproductive coercion can also come in the form of pressure, guilt and shame from an abusive partner. Some examples are if your abusive partner is constantly talking about having children or making you feel guilty for not having or wanting children with them — especially if you already have kids with someone else.

Economic or financial abuse is when an abusive partner extends their power and control into the area of finances. This abuse can take different forms, including an abusive partner:

Giving an allowance and closely watching how you spend it or demanding receipts for purchases
Placing your paycheck in their bank account and denying you access to it
Preventing you from viewing or having access to bank accounts
Forbidding you to work or limiting the hours that you can work
Maxing out credit cards in your name without permission or not paying the bills on credit cards, which could ruin your credit score
Stealing money from you or your family and friends
Using funds from children’s savings accounts without your permission
Living in your home but refusing to work or contribute to the household
Making you give them your tax returns or confiscating joint tax returns
Refusing to give you money to pay for necessities/shared expenses like food, clothing, transportation, or medical care and medicine

Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk or intimidate a partner. Often this behavior is a form of verbal or emotional abuse perpetrated online. You may be experiencing digital abuse if your partner:

Tells you who you can or can’t be friends with on Facebook and other sites.
Sends you negative, insulting or even threatening emails, Facebook messages, tweets, DMs or other messages online.
Uses sites like Facebook, Twitter, foursquare and others to keep constant tabs on you.
Puts you down in their status updates.
Sends you unwanted, explicit pictures and demands you send some in return.
Pressures you to send explicit videos.
Steals or insists on being given your passwords.
Constantly texts you and makes you feel like you can’t be separated from your phone for fear that you will be punished.
Looks through your phone frequently, checks up on your pictures, texts and outgoing calls.
Tags you unkindly in pictures on Instagram, Tumblr, etc.
Uses any kind of technology (such spyware or GPS in a car or on a phone) to monitor you

You never deserve to be mistreated, online or off. Remember:

Your partner should respect your relationship boundaries.
It is ok to turn off your phone. You have the right to be alone and spend time with friends and family without your partner getting angry.
You do not have to text any pictures or statements that you are uncomfortable sending, especially nude or partially nude photos, known as “sexting.”
You lose control of any electronic message once your partner receives it. They may forward it, so don’t send anything you fear could be seen by others.
You do not have to share your passwords with anyone.
Know your privacy settings. Social networks such as Facebook allow the user to control how their information is shared and who has access to it. These are often customizable and are found in the privacy section of the site. Remember, registering for some applications (apps) require you to change your privacy settings.
Be mindful when using check-ins like Facebook Places and foursquare. Letting an abusive partner know where you are could be dangerous. Also, always ask your friends if it’s ok for you to check them in. You never know if they are trying to keep their location secret.
You have the right to feel comfortable and safe in your relationship, even online.